Ashes to Ashes. Sludge to Sludge: Hatchet 3 (2013)

Hatchet 3 (2013)
rating: ***1/2
starring: Danielle Harris, Kane Hodder, Zach Galligan

And so here we are again back to the swamps after ten years of waiting; all that murky, slimy things that'll crawl out to bite you in the arse are out in the night again, but here in Honey Island Swamp stirs something, or someone, that everyone ought to look out for: the infamous legendary killer Victor Crowley! But wait! Last time we've left him, his face was smashed to a gaping hole and he got a blastful of lead shot into it! So had we seen the last of Crowley? Apparently not.

Taking minutes after the previous installment, Hatchet 3 had Danielle Harris reprise her role as Marybeth, a deeply exhausted survivor, who just back to the same swamp to finally finish off the hulking killer Crowley, but finds herself attacked no sooner by the faceless hulk himself, somehow surviving the overkill. But after managing to topple him down into his own 6 foot long chainsaw, Marybeth had the big guy sliced down the middle in two and presumed he was dead For real, bringing his scalp as proof.

But telling this story to the cops proves to be rather useless, as they dismissed her story as delusional, but she doesn't seem to mind. A clean-up operation was then sent out to the massacre, hoping to find all the bodies of each victim, including that of Crowley's split body, hoping to find some answers to this situation. But as night falls, we soon found out that the curse is indeed for real, and Crowley's up on his feet in one piece again, promising not the same for everyone that he can grab hold to.

It wasn't long before the big guns are called out for back-up and a SWAT team (with SWAT leader played by Derek Mears) was called in to dispatch the threat. But as they all began to drop off like flies, the sheriff's estranged, journalist ex-wife (played by Caroline Williams!) finally decided to step in and had the reluctant MaryBeth (and a guard) tagged along to grab something that may end the curse once and for all! But after all those previous attempts to end said curse, will this be any different? Or will history repeat itself and more blood will be shed?

Comparing this with the fun yet inferior previous installment, Hatchet 3 managed to bring back the same energy the first movie had, although misses a lot of things that made the previous two such a hoot; technically, the Hatchet series is supposed to be a look back at old 80s slasher movies, which means it's supposed to be cheesy, fast paced and very, very gory without relying on cheap, computer gore. While Hatchet 3 kept the pace, it lost some of it's morbid humor and the kills are very uninspired; in the previous movies, the humor was on both the characterization of the casts and the scenes that happens right before they were killed. Normally, one or two cast there would be doing or saying something awfully funny to relieve us some tension, as well as give a bit more character to them. That's kinda absent here, with only a few casts actually making a stand-out, the rest were there merely for the picking. Thankfully, that didn't stop said standing-out casts to do something really worthwhile every now and then, including an awkwardly hilarious scene involving a Sid Haig cameo as a deaf, racist redneck who may hold the key tool on destroying the man-monster once and for all.

As for the kills, I'm standing in-between lives here; while the bodycount is still huge, and the gore's as splashy as ever, it didn't do much to re-invent the story and nearly all of them are of the same style as Crowley tearing people apart in twos, threes and quarters even. Even a notable encounter here between two horror-role legends, Hodder and Mears, who both played Jason Voorhees in the 80s and in the remake respectively, had ended with little to spice up the fight.

But, issues aside, Hatchet 3 isn't a bad movie. Far from it really! Harris's character is still badass, though she did took down a few screen time in favor of a cult favorite Caroline Williams to take in some spotlight. God, how I missed this woman! I find it ironic that her character here, an journalist trying to prove the existence of Crowley, is sortah parallel to her media- connected role as a radio DJ in her (in)famous role as Stretch in Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2! She had a lot more spunk here, so I'm not complaining with the lack of Harris here. Kane Hodder's Crowley's still as menacing as ever, a little more of a serious man-monster in here than a lumbering maniac that he was on the first two films, however, and the character's design really improved here. There's more action here, so it's never boring, some fun surprises here and there, and it never lost it's momentum.

The ending's also very intriguing; now, I'm not sure if this is the last Hatchet movie, as Adam Green, the director of the first two and producer of this third, promised at least two sequels after the second, although recently, he seems to be hinting this is the last. So if this is the last, then I'm cool with it, but the way this entry ended is a big head-scratcher for all of us as it questions the possibility of a fourth Hatchet movie. Not gonna spoil, but if this is the last entry to this franchise then let me be the first to say, though it isn't perfect, at least Hatchet 3 had the decency to end it with its head held up high and putting it all up in full circle. Sort of.

Overall, Hatchet 3's a fun, dumb slasher movie for the fans (dubbed the Hatchet Army) despite offering very little of the new. It looks bigger, badder and definitely bloodier, but it's all about Crowley in the end!

Bodycount
1 male head fried with defibrillator
1 male head split in half with hatchet
1 male arm torn off
1 female hatchet to the chest
1 male disemboweled
1 male had his face smashed in against tree bark
A number of victims presumably killed offscreen
1 male impaled through the chest with fence post
1 female hooked on the chest with gardening claw, mauled offcamera
1 male hacked repeatedly on the back with hatchet, torn in half
1 male decapitated with hatchet
1 male face hacked with hatchet
1 male leg severed with hatchet
1 male hatchet to the gut
1 male face stomped in
1 male had his skull and spine ripped off from his gut
1 male decimated with missile launcher
1 male torn armless and had his entire head stepped on into the mud
1 male hatchet thrown into his forehead
1 male mauled to death by an alligator
1 male had his head shredded down in half with belt-sander
1 female pulled through against a torn metal door, shredded
1 male chest torn open
1 female head torn off
1 female impaled through a tree branch (?)
total: 24+

9 years of swamp boogies...

Random Non-Horror Post: Toycon 2013



So it's that time of the year again! My second year attending the Annual Philippine ToyCon, where collectors gather for collectibles, cosplayers do cosplays and everyone who's a geek is always welcome!

The convention took place at SM Megamall nearby a branch of the company I work in, and it was supposed to had started last Friday, June 14, running on for three days, so I had my day-offs from work changed for the week so I can have the weekends off and have some nerdy fun! I may have a headache or two for this coming Monday, but it was worth it~

Ten minutes after the mall just opened (I came there as early as I could. The mall opens at 10:00 am and I got there around 9:58), and this line had already formed. I got in around five to ten minutes later and even by then the line's still piling up!

 First thing I got to do around once I got in the convention was take all the pictures I want. There's a bunch load of figures and stuff that I can't just miss. Here's one featuring some cool Avengers toys, including what I believe to be a 12-inch Loki, and a 9 inch for Agent Phil Coulson. (The one minor character I really came to like)

Here's another one featuring ole' Cap'n himself! All four versions including his pre-Twinkle Toe costumed version!

 In a Non-Marvel note, here's some cool Legendary licensed Batman figures featuring the Dark Knight himself, and the four villains from all three movies: Ra's al Ghul, Scarecrow, Joker and Bane

Now some PVC figures of a (classic) Predator and a Xenomorph...

And some Real Steel Midas taking the spotlight, while a T-model (from Terminator) looms in the shades...

...and these guys.

 I got around seeing some pretty neat busts as well. Check the details out of these babies! I would love me a Predalien one but I think these guys are gonna cost more than my spending money that time! haha...

 There was a booth there selling these groovy retro masterpieces including some rare Vinyl records and 3D posters; I was thinking of buying my folks one of these (plus one for myself. Love Uma Thurman in that movie!) but these mean meat cost about ten thousands or something. Maybe I was unprepared for this...

Everybody seems to be in the DC spirit lately, as I stumble upon these life-size wax statues and busts of Adam West as Batman and Christopher Reeve as the Man of Steel himself.

And sharing with the convention's focus is the new upcoming Del Toro movie, Pacific Rim. Mmmmm...kaiju movies....*gurgle*

So...after cruising through the convention for some memorable memories-

-and this guy. He was awesome-

 

 

I finally did what I was saving for two months for; shopping spree! Two months worth of paycheck, and I'm free to spend half of it in this con! God, if you can read this right now, you've done good!

 But why the heck did you make it hard for me to choose what to get?!

Too! Many! Good! Shit!

 After two hours of walking, stalking, eyeing, eyeballing, talking to a cute brony girl that I met randomly (If you're reading this right now, Hi! 'm Paul!), I snagged what I can afford, and what I believe will look good in my room, and after another hour or two eating Shawarma, Apple Turners, Beef Turners, a Rootbeer Float and an ice cream sandwich, and actually traveling back home cuz it's getting dark with rain (which didn't even came through. Stupid heavy rain signals worrying me in paranoia), I got stuff:

They were giving away free Man of Steel bookmarks to promote the film that's currently playing on our theatres. I've yet to see it but it looks pretty promising. Plus: Freebie! Why not?

 There's some cool discounts on some Magic The Gathering cards there, so I tried my luck with the new expansion and see if I can find some useful red burners or black leechers for my Burn-Drain deck. Sadly, nothing of useful...

 But holy shit I have my first Planeswalker...

I got me some slasher stuffs there too; this cute lil' mini-plush of Chucky, based on the promo art for Child's Play 2...

and a Movie Maniac figure of Uber-Jason!

(I find this strange, but everytime I try to get a figure of Jason Voorhees in his classic hockey masked form, I always end up with something close instead...)

This here's a little lucky pick of mine. A booth was selling baseball cards and this lady was just sticking out of the pile. Mine to collect? Don't mind if I do~ (and it's just P20.00, which is like 8 cents in US dollars) Don't know if this card's a throw-away or not, but if it's the last in the pile, I'll consider it lucky!

 I also snagged a mini-plush of Finn the Human from Adventure Time. There's actually a larger version of him, but I was on a very tight budget and savings, so I went for the cheaper one, which is surprisingly more adorable.

And speaking of cartoon fandoms, I found some hard to get comics in the convention. (except the Adventure Time comics you see here in the pic. Those were given to me by my loving sister) My geeky side had gone the best of me when I saw these, but again, thinking in a budget (which is reasonable to me around the time I got these since I was getting dangerously low in disposable income after my spree), I gotten only two issues of each comic series AND my first DVD copy of MLP:FIM.


yay!

But none of these had something to compare my greatest find in that convention: thanks to that brony girl who pointed it out for me, I finally have her...

Derpy f*^)(ng Hooves!

 So...Much....Geek-Wood...

I didn't even know we import these figures in this island!

Nor should I even post something so sugary sweet as this in a SLASHER Blog~!

...then again, I did put this as a Non-Horror post so...

Now, not entirely something I got from ToyCon, I found and helped myself with a copy of Imagine Dragons's album. Looks like I'm On Top of The World today!...yeah, title pun... EH!

 Plus, I got this weird book they're selling on that record store where I got my CD. So far I'm laughing my head off! (It's like  printed version of my favorite TV show 1000 Ways o Die!)

 It was the longest and most fangasmic four hours of my life so far, So, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna lie on my bed now and watch some Saturday Night Live, cuz my leg's are this close on breaking off from my knees and walk away after all that. If they did, I would probably hunt them down in a wheelchair and force them back cuz I'M GONNA DO THIS AGAIN NEXT YEAR!

PEACE~!

Where are the Dead Orphans?: The Orphan Killer (2011)

The Orphan Killer (2011)
rating: ***
starring: Diane Foster, David Backus, Matt Farnsworth

Many a times, aspiring directors and producers often raves about their own work as an original take on something, may it be a drama, action or even, yes, a horror film. Not to say that I don't agree on raving on your own work, people deserved at least that for all their blood, sweat and tears, but for us movie goers, it might be a different story as to we are the ones who're going to experience everything these guys had conjured up, and probably seen already during post-production, for the first time.

The title's a bit misleading for starters; there is no killer of orphans. Well, the killer brained to death a boy during a flashback scene, but apart from that, Marcus Miller, the homicidal masked killer our for blood here, is more of an orphaned killer with a mission to kill off his sister, Audrey, who adapted and moved on pretty well despite the traumatic home invasion that took her parents and her brother going whacko in front of her. Audrey grew up as a dance instructor to a Catholic school, which so happens to be the same place where she and Marcus ended up in when they've gone mommy/daddy-less. Unfortunately, and seemingly no surprise here, but Marcus had also found his way to the place, whose habit-wearing agents of God had tortured and forged him into a monster (well, further into a monster. Just another proof on my claim that nuns with their meter sticks are evil!), and he's willing to kill anyone that he can grab hold to, until he gets back at Audrey for abandoning him.

Ticking off from the slasher cliche lists, The Orphan Killer had a few familiar culprits lurking around; despite attempting to look expertly shot and edited, the questionable acting from some of its casts blunts down some of the impact of the film, as to some of the cinematography and the film's music-video style editing. I would also like to point out the heavy metal scoring of this film, which I'm not really a big fan of as I prefer haunting tunes over chaotic death metal any day. (I have my exceptions, but this isn't one of it as you can tell)

But positives would come in with the film's traditionally handled gore effects, which means a lot of latex and fake heads, but as far as the blood works are concerned, it's more than passable. The film's also sleazy from the fact that we actually had scenes including our lead actress Diane Foster stripping for a shower and revealing that she's wearing only fishnet stocking underneath that skirt, and a nun giving a janitor a head, both of which done inside a church. (Not that I approve of it or anything as a sortah-Catholic, but it's a horror movie, and I just wanna have (brainless) fun)

Wait, so nobody smelled that in church?!

So with the gore and T&A department covered, the only thing we're missing now for a slasher movie to fully work is a memorable killer; David Backus stars as the titular Orphan(ed) Killer, who's get up is a simple mormon's shirt and tie, gunked up with sweat and blood, and a paper-mache mask that looks like an unused Slipknot prop. His savagery does makes him terrifying at some level, plus the fact that this guy can speak and reason at a point makes him even more than your average mute maniac, but the way he was made is what makes me a bit wary. The idea of a monster being molded out of zealous, self-fattening "I'm right-you're wrong-and that makes you evil" hysteria has been done before dozens of times, (Think Carrie) so the shock value and notoriety of this is too worn out for some fans. His punishment for his sister seems to be a very personal vendetta, so they also thrown in a couple of torture scenes for that matter, but ultimately, we can tell this guy had a high probability of survival seeing that a lot of attention is going at him, to the point that Foster's character had to level down into a panicking, screaming, broken victim.

Nothing groundbreaking to note, nor is this movie a perfect example of a good slasher film. if it's anything, it's as basic as the next independently made, low-budget slasher movie waiting to be released, but The Orphan Killer deserves its fans, and it's still a worthwhile watch of an effort made for those looking for a night of bloodletting, and bloodletting alone.

Bodycount:
1 male saw-toothed machete through the head
1 male knifed offscreen (flashback)
1 female knifed on the gut (flashback)
1 male killed offscreen
1 female garroted with barbwire
1 boy bludgeoned to death with baseball bat (flashback)
1 male fork to the neck (flashback)
1 male beheaded with hunting knife
1 male hunting knife to the back, head stomped to a pulp
1 female hacked to death with axe
1 male brained to death with hammer
1 male repeatedly stabbed with hunting knife, bled to death
total: 12

Blood, Boobs, Battles, and Body Cutters: Bloody Maiden (2010 Comic)

Bloody Maiden (BLOODY MAIDEN: JUUSANKI NO SHIMA) (2010 Manga series)
Rating: **1/2
Author: Taida Kikuhiko
Artist: Taida Kikuhiko
Number of issues: 11 volumes

Let's try something a lot different for our slasher kicks; I always keep a good eye for something outside the celluloid norm when it comes to my slashers, such as books, novels or even comics that tackles the sub-genre with much originality and familiar taste to keep us interested. For some time, I was into anime and manga, although lately I've been wary of my love for theses Japanese cartoons and/or comics, the thought of mixing up slasher film plotting with this popular Japanese sub-culture came up to me time and time again. But seeing how rarely Japan even picks up this sub-genre, I was very skeptical if they would even do such a thing, so imagine my surprise when I saw this sexy graphic novel.

Starting off as no more than a club's trip to visit a secluded native island, a group of thirteen young, nubile and voluptuous girls found themselves trapped and hunted when a masked killer in a hoodie and listening to death metal songs through an MP3 headset began showing up their ugly rear, killing them off one by one in accordance to a bizarre ritual that's supposed to appease the island's haunting spirits, by sacrificing thirteen maidens.

As the volumes progresses, there's some plot twists that thrown into the fray, which was a fine until the final two volumes where everything kinda gotten out of hand. But before we can get into that, let's talk about what happened in media res.

First; putting it simply, Bloody Maiden is a slasher film done in manga format, with some distinctive Japanese nerd fanservice (complete with stereotypes such as girls with gravity-defying bust sizes and too girls that are supposed to be older than what they look (as in loli characters)) and "hyper-violence" that may or may not stand up with the likes of the American slashers that it tries to pay tribute to. The plot is a simple copy of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indian story, where in the cast gets stuck on an island only to find a killer among them; the only original take here is that once the twist is revealed, it all came down into something involving reincarnations and restless ghosts, a familiar theme to most J-horror. Problem was, once this is revealed, it should have been a cake walk down to finishing a rather unoriginal yet entertaining read, but more twists came in the way, all of which involving past lives and such, and things just got very confusing.

So a strong start messed up with a bad ending; it's one thing to be a carbon copy of everything we're familiar with in a slasher film, but to over work a story is a no go if they want readers. Though, it wasn't all that bad, but i can tell this is going to be of targeted taste. The art was interestingly soft around the first few volumes, but i did began to notice it began to become more and more rigid as it draws nearer to the climax. This is probably because the first few acts was more akin to giving curvy eye candy to the readers, which works at some point, though seeing these gals sliced up to ribbons can be very off putting. Some fans might find cut-up ladies to be sexy (and there is), I don't. I watch and/or look at the kills in these sub-genre cuz i find it artistic, not erotic.

Pacing's real quick, and each volume promises a kill or two; the murders itself are a really nasty bunch, with explosive gore and hacked up body parts; I do notice that Japanese horror tends to focus more on blood works than the actual viscera, which would explain the fountain like art when it comes to blood splatters.

Some quick nods are placed in between the panels; one would be that the day this all started just so happens to be Friday the 13th, an obvious nod to Jason and his bloody adventures, apparently including Alice Cooper's song "He's Back (The man behind the Mask)" which the killer listened to during a kill. Another slasher nod include a mention of Leatherface, which I'll keep a secret to why, but I'm sure you guessed it by now. (Wasn't even close though, I'll tell you that...)

Bloody Maiden is a junk food manga, for all honesty, but for those who're willing to try something different for their slasher needs, I would suggest a reading or two from this messy yet gorefully satisfying manga. Not for everyone, but worth a shot.

Bodycount:
1 female chest sliced repeatedly with samurai sword
1 female gut sliced open with samurai sword
1 female speared through the jaw
1 male body found
a number of male bodies found dismembered
1 female found with throat cut
1 female arm cut off with sword, falls to her death
1 female found murdered with a missing arm
1 female legs sliced off with samurai sword
1 male stabbed through the neck with kitchen knife
1 female had a leg sliced off with wrist blade, killed
1 female decapitated with sword
1 female stabbed through with sword
1 male killed, method unknown
total: 13+

A Nation and a Name Reborn

Here's a little look to the new upcoming Home Invasion/socio-satire slasher movie The Purge. My thoughts? 

This is gonna be epic! I love those masks and I can't wait to see how messed-up this is going to be!

And speaking of epicness, here's something I never expected to happen; last time I remember Carrie was rebooted, it was an MTV mini-series or something. So is this new Carrie gonna be a hoot? or will I give it a boot? Judging from the trailer, It's too early to say, but I might give it a go.

Dream Collectors: Killer's Moon (1978)

Killer's Moon (United Kingdom, 1978)
rating: **
starring:  Anthony Forrest, Tom Marshall, Georgina Kean

To watch or not to watch? That is the question these days when it comes to ultra rare movies. There's always a reason why a certain movie's so hard to get by to the point it's rare: it's either poorly distributed due to a ban or bad marketing, it could also be that it's so awful that the market just refuse to sell to the public due to bad reaction. Killer's Moon is one of the few titles that was (un)lucky enough to be added in the Video Nasty list back in a few decades ago. So should we defile this movie's final resting place to catch a glimpse? Or just let sleeping corpses lie?

In a nutshell, Killer's Moon is an English exploitation of the bizarre kind as it mixes slasher conventions with the philosophical talk of ethics not quite different from the ones found in the cult classic A Clockwork Orange, with various level of inept direction and scripting. Those looking for a real, entertaining bad flick might find a kick or so from this title, but those who's hoping to see the same cerebral nightmare as Alex's Droogs had committed from the film that seems to have influenced this title, you might wanna check that this is movie is considered a slasher film. What else would you expect?

A busload of choir girls had their trip cut short when their bus dies out with a bad engine, but with a fortunate amount of luck, found a conveniently secluded hotel in the middle of the woods and was allowed to stay in for the night while their bus driver try to find someone who can help. But, unknown to them, a quartre of escaped mental patients, who all went through an experimental therapy in which they're lead to believe that everything that they're experiencing right now is nothing but a dream.

So thinking that they're free to do whatever they please without any real world consequences, the four loons began a spree of unspeakable horrors, starting with mutilating animals before moving into murdering the girls' bus driver and their generous hosts, and then harassing said girls, raping them and forcing them to cook for them. Just as it seems the girls are in a no-win situation, a duo of campers residing nearby had decided to help them escape and try to survive the night in one piece.

I never really saw anything I can't enjoy reading about the synopsis of the film; it had everything from rape-and-revenge, slasher film type villains and a possibly high kill count; but after a rather poorly acted scene where a girl, after finding a mangled body, expresses her frightening experience as if she's reading it from a board offcamera, or for that matter, everybody in this movie seems to be in a daze or something, I was starting to see where the mixed reactions were coming from.

Idea-wise, Killer's Moon was a good film, but a lot of misfires in scripting and acting dragged the film down in more than one way; aside from the aforementioned Oscar winning performance of a frightened girl (not), we also have a lot of this strange conversations between these villains about their dreams, and too this famously horrid exchange coming from one of the girls who's talking to one of her friends who happens to be just raped: Look, you were only raped, as long as you don't tell anyone about it you'll be alright. You pretend it never happened, I pretend I never saw it and if we ever get out of this alive, well, maybe we'll both live to be wives and mothers. (Ten to twenty years later, said raped girl will bear five children, beat them with a whiskey bottle when she's drunk, sleep with men every night, and probably will die snorting coke. Yep, nice advice, girl, but no. Strange thing even, these script re-writes was made by a woman...)

Strangely even, the film juggles from breaking slasher film conventions now and then to actually applying them, which can be a very odd experience. The tone of the film is almost psychological, and yet, all the shocks that they do here are more of exploitation than twisted philosophy like that of one of the films this movie is supposed to be influenced by. The rape taboo is a little more controversial with themes of pedophilia as the girls are supposed to be of young age, and they're not hiding that fact with those uniforms, something a bit gutsy for the film to take. Killer's Moon felt most like a slasher film when the killers were outside the house actually, but once they broke in, there were a few kills, but rather than killing off the nubile teens here, the merry band of misfits instead kills those around them, and save these girls for menial labor and the rest of the movie shifts tone to a rescue-type of thriller.

It's an oddball, proto-slasher from Europe, so there's a bit of sophisticated air and style to it but looking away from the gothic settings and the artsy feels, you're gonna see cheesy chunks here and there that you'll normally find in those cheap American drive-in movies such as a teacher who survived all the movie's ordeals by fainting three times all through out in separate occasions (with the villains leaving her alone), a dog coming back with a vengeance to kill off a loon who hacked off one of its legs (I see a The Hills have Eyes influence?), a victim burning to death with their clothes remaining intact and hardly burnt (!), and a camping tent that looks small from the outside yet huge from inside. (possibly a TARDIS with a damaged cloaking function) It's these strangeness that somehow made the viewing at least more bearable, especially if the rescue-climax itself had some hooky fun in it where in the rescuing campers and the remaining girls finally turned the tables against their attackers, and some of the kills along the way does prove to be worthy.

I could say Killer's Moon is the kind of movie that a selective few can enjoy; after all, it does managed to keep me watching from beginning to end despite the bumps along the way. If you enjoy LSD ridden story-telling yet with a bit more classy feel to it, then Killer's Moon might worth a rent from the likes of you! Everybody else, why don't we all meet at the Korova milk bar and have a cold moloko on me?

Bodycount:
1 male axed on the shoulder, hacked to death
1 male found hacked to death with an axe
1 female strangled, neck crushed
1 female found pinned to the door with a knife through the neck
1 female strangled to death
1 male mauled to death by a dog
1 male burned to death
1 male hacked to death with sickle
1 female seen knifed on the back
total: 9